My Safe Place

This is not my typical Tinder story. It is not about a guy I just met couple times. It is about a series of events that helped me cope and balance my emotional health. I would be forever thankful for this guy and all he did for me. He probably never knew how much he helped me through.

If you are related to me or do not want to know personal things, STOP READING NOW! You probably won’t look at me the same. 😊

I firmly believe things happen for a reason. I have always learn lessons (the hard way) when things happen to me. This is the perfect example. Also, I analyze and sometimes overthink. When I do and still do it, it turns out to be a bad decision. This time is wasn’t like that. I was about to do something I have never done or experienced. And it felt good.

I had my Instagram and Facebook account linked to my Tinder. In my inbox, there was a very random message. It just said “Are you going to try to sell me a house?” I laugh and I had to reply, “Only if you want to buy one.” I don’t recall exchanging more messages with him trying to ask introductory details. Just him asking me to come over to watch a movie and cuddle to which I ask what movie, he replied a funny one.

I am not stupid. Movie+Cuddles=Sex. Still, there was something about the situation I loved. He cut through all the BS trying to be charming and got straight to the point. I was fine with that. At one point I knew I had to start doing this. So I went over after work. It was weird because I was not nervous at all. I usually have a little panic attack when I’m about to meet somebody for the first time. This time I felt like I was going to hang out with an old friend or one of my girls.

I called him when I got to his studio. He goes to the door and greets me. I had just entered a techie’s kingdom. I sat by one of his computers while he choses a movie. I noticed my profiles were up. Odd, but I can’t keep my mouth shut and I asked him if he was stalking my media life. His response was “I have to know who is coming over”. To which I proceed to accept I stalked him too. We briefly talked about his research and what he does. I am a nerd. I love research, and get so excited when I hear about it. Plus smart is very sexy… to me. He choses a movie that I can’t remember, because I was honestly very distracted by him. I do know we watched Shark Tank at one point. Am I into random things, or what? I could not find anything wrong with him, and he definitely was the smartest guy I’ve talked to (not in a professional setting).

Needless to say, I spent the night with him. Let me tell you, when he said we will cuddle, he really meant it. He was hugging me the whole night. He definitely did not know how much I needed that. For once I felt I had found what I was looking for. I knew we wouldn’t get into a relationship and I definitely was not mentally stable for one, but for very first time I forgot about everything going on in my life. I liked that feeling. I was spending time with somebody without distractions. I purposely put my phone on silent and I never heard his ring or him even looking at it. People know I love attention, and he definitely gave it to me. I left in the morning and I did not feel bad about myself at all. It was amazing. I didn’t know if this was going to continue happening. But I was also OK with that.

We got on each other Snapchat somehow (I probably added him, to be honest) and that was the only way we communicated. Again, I don’t recall us texting a lot. Just an invitation for cuddles, to which I gladly agreed. We will talk about our day, watch Shark Tank, kiss, cuddle, have sex, what not. I will spend the night and then go home. Absolutely perfect! It was my safe place. I forgot about the world when I was with him.

I don’t think I necessarily was having feelings for him. I definitely liked him. He is perfect in every way and what made him perfect for me was the fact that he was the only person who did not ask me about my past. He had no idea of me going through divorce, the details or nuances. In fact, I don’t think he cared. It didn’t matter to him. He just wanted to do whatever we did, enjoy it and move on. I appreciated that. It’s really hard for me to talk about my personal life. Him not asking worked for me.

Until I messed it up. One bad thing about me is that I don’t read between the lines. I only know what people tell me. If you send me a message to figure out, I suck at it. Or if you are giving me a hint, I don’t figure it out either. I’m even getting myself confused trying to explain how my mind works. It would be easier to explain with the situation. As I mentioned, we *were* on each other Snapchat. When I am out, I am the selfie queen. I have gotten better in not bombarding people with millions of selfies, but I’m still pretty bad. Anyways, I posted a picture geotagged to Mill ave. He commented with a picture of himself and his friends at bar. I also snapped a picture of my friend and I at a different bar. “Did he want us to go there? Or meet us?” My friend asked. To me, he told me where he was at and I told him where I was at. That was it. We never hung out outside his bedroom. I don’t even know what he does on his day to day basis. When my friend asked me if I was going, I started having a mini stroke. For the first time in my life I did not know what I wanted to do. I analyzed every situation and possible outcome. I asked him if he wanted to meet, but got no reply. I should have just honestly show up them and figure if he wanted to hang out or not. But I’m not normal. I just went to the bar next door trying to decide. Obviously I would never figure out if that was an invitation or not. Anyways, we still saw each other again several times before I “freaked” out again.

This time it was very emotional to me. I have gone to visit a friend in California two weekends in a row. I am the selfie queen, right? So I take many and geotag them to all the places I go. On the second weekend, I get a message from him. I stopped in Goodyear to eat something and take a selfie of course. He asked me what time I was getting home, and if I wanted to go by. I told him I would have to leave early if I did because I had to be at work at 5am the next day. He was cool with it.

This weekend was the weekend that made me decide I had to file for divorce. I am lucky to have a childhood friend so close to me that is extremely tough and make me see things through. What I didn’t know was that I was helping her emotionally too. I had 6 hours to reassure my reasons for divorce and why I should initiate the process legally. Then, going to his place where I could forget about it until morning? Perfect!

I get to his home or my safe place and we proceed to our usual routine. After, he asked me why I was going to California so often. I am sure he was just asking to know but I got very defensive as I told him my childhood friend live there and we support each other emotionally. He seemed to want to know what I was talking and asked me what I was going through. I just replied with “Life situations”. I started dressing up and he asked me why. “Do you want me to stay?” I replied. As the smart man he is, he said “I love it when you stay here but I think it would be better for you if you go home.” I thought “Thank you for letting me leave.” I needed to. I hugged him, extremely hard and left.

Not only he caught me off guard wanting to know more about me, but I was probably not in the best state of mind to spend the night there. I would have probably thinking about going to the court clerk to file for divorce. Why should I be thinking about this at my “safe place”. Leaving was the right thing to do but I feel that it also made our whatever-it-was relationship weird. Or maybe it was just me. I don’t know. I never will.

Following that encounter, he texted me drunk. I went over and he seemed extremely sad. I asked him what was wrong and he didn’t tell me. That day our routine was totally broken (well, it started the previous time). But that day he had hold me the tightest. He wrapped his whole body against mine. I enjoyed every minute of it but I knew something was wrong. I just didn’t know what… yet.

On my way home, I realized I left my beloved headband at his place. I texted him to see if he found it. He will look around, he said. A few days later he told me he found my headband and I can go pick it up on Friday. It was nice but very strange that he planned to see me. It was always an unplanned thing.

I went there as we planned. It was different. So different. Not in a bad way, but different. Our “routine” was back to normal. It was too good to be true. My gut told me something was coming. And I was right. Before I leave I make a comment about him doing laundry. He tells me he is separating his clothes to launder them and start packing. I asked him where is he going to find out he is backpacking in Asia for a bit more than a month. I hugged him and told him I’ll miss him. I was going to see him when he was back, but that never happened. And probably never will.

This relationship was exactly what I was looking for. As weird as it sounds, it is. I know it’s probably very selfish on my part, but it worked for me. He helped me without knowing, because God only knows how much I hate asking for any kind of help.
Now I should drink some vodka to this amazing man. I wish him the best wherever he is at.

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