This is to an asshole

To the asshole that I spend hours in the phone with and I enjoyed every second of it. The one who I couldn’t let go the first time we met. We shared an inexplicable strong connection. So strong that our first hug lasted a very long time. I couldn’t explain why we got so close in no time. I felt so comfortable around you, even when we were total strangers.

I told you once or twice we were the same kind. We shared the same ideas and saw the world the same way. So much that I was also an asshole to you several times. Out of the slim probability of actually meeting a soulmate, I felt you were (or are) it.

Communication was never an issue. We got mad and got over it. We discussed it if it was worth it or if not, we let it go. We could spend hours telling each other stories and laughing about life while smoking hookah, drinking, watching movies or listening to trap. Maybe our weird relationship was the closest to a true relationship in my newly single life. I can’t explain the way you made me feel. I just can’t.

Writing allows my overly closed self to open up and express my emotions and feelings. Somehow, when it comes to writing about you, asshole, I can’t explain myself. It frustrates me. The one channel I use as an outlet it’s totally not working right now. I am so mad…

Maybe I am just mad at the fact that you turned out not to be that big of an asshole after all. Rather be the man I’ve always wanted to meet, but you never let me. From our last “fight” or whatever the hell that was, you used all you said I was and it was ok for me to be, against me. You contradicted all you said in six months. My response to you was simple, non insulting and wishing you the best. I was actually proud of the way I responded. You had no idea how I changed because of you. Not because you asked, but because I learned a lot about myself and others through you.

Ever since I met you, I saw life a completely different way. I can’t explain it, but you brought balance into my life. Spending time with you made me happier every day. I also accomplished some of my goals and your words of encouragement made it a bit easier for me as I wasn’t as anxious as I would have typically be.

When I was with you, nothing else mattered. I felt liked, wanted and protected. Sometimes even loved. Everything that I’ve ever wanted to be. But I knew that because I established certain stipulations at the beginning, I couldn’t change the terms. Or maybe I was scared to. I was afraid I was not as strong as I pretended to be. I was scared to show my weaknesses to somebody I didn’t know that well. At the end, I did show you my sensitive side to you, asshole. And recently I learned you also have one too. You are, in fact, human. Not a cold hearted walking thing. Even when you say so, you do have a heart.

It took me by surprise when you accepted being an asshole to me. To be honest you being the asshole, made me who I am today. We were put in each other’s life for a reason.

After all, you are still an amazing man.

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