I f*cking suck at dating!

I can’t seem to figure out what I’m doing. I’ve tried absolutely everything there is. I’ve played the waiting game, the hard to get game, the slot. I’ve been assertive and distant or even ignored people. Nothing works.

I used to say dating sucks but I’ve come to the realization maybe I’m just not good at it.

I think I find a guy I like and I don’t know how to proceed.

Being Hispanic, it’s very easy to sit back and wait for any Hispanic guy to ask you out, plan things for you and date you, love you, marry you. But I am over those kind of guys!

I have to accept at the beginning it takes a lot out of my mind because they know what they want, except when their ego comes out and they treat you like one of their other toys. You are expected to be a servant for him and do all this chores because you are the woman. Ha! Not this girl!

I love the team mentality. When a couple support each other, including different interests. I need a best friend who’s also there for advise or just to tell me I’m crazy because I do what I do. Maybe, I’m asking too much… or expecting too much of a guy?

I sorta have my life together. I have a career, a home, a car. I work hard for what I want… except, I don’t take crap from people. I do have an ego too. People ignore me, they get ignored. Let’s just say they get treated as good or as bad as they treat me. I’m genuinely a nice person, but I do not bend for anybody.

I am a diva and spoiled, mostly a brat because obviously I want something that doesn’t exist. I want someone tailored to suit me. Someone that gets to know what I do and what I like. Someone that knows what he shouldn’t do if he doesn’t want me to get mad. Someone that can read my mind, literally. I want somebody that knows me as well as I know myself.

Unfortunately, I don’t let anybody get that close to me. I don’t tell them I like them and I pull away before I get attached. But the thing is, I don’t forget and still reminisce the moments together and drives me crazy that I like a guy so much but I’m scared to know if they even like me back.

I am meant to be in a relationship. I meet somebody that I like and I use if to balance my life. I am loyal and stop being wild. The problem is, I try to be cool about it and never define the relationship. I don’t want to start that conversation even when I’m dying to know the possibility of having a real relationship. Or maybe I am scared of rejection? I know it is contradictory to my careless mentality, but I freak out with labels but at the same time I want to make sure of what I have. Makes sense? Not really.

The thing is, I am in that very situation. I met a guy a few weeks back and we hung out every other day for the first couple week. EVERY OTHER DAY! That is a lot! The problem lays in: I don’t know what we have and I’m too scared to ask.

First of all let me tell you, it freaks me out that I can’t find anything wrong with him. Not a single flaw. He is gorgeous and smart. Ambitious, well versed. I can keep going on. When I’m with him I feel the way I always wanted to. I don’t know why is very special when we hang out.

Again, we just hang out. No labels or conversation of evolving into something. Nothing like that. I think I really started to like him. But I don’t know what to do about it. I suck at this! It’s killing me that I don’t have the guts to even start asking anything. Why not to him? I always ask a million questions, but I can’t ask him. I hate this!

I pulled a bit away when I realized I started to like him. For a girl that didn’t want to be divorced, I sure act weird about not trying to commit. Maybe I just settled for this idea of being loyal to him even when we don’t have a relationship.

I’m dumb. I fucking suck at this.

One thought

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