I have a really good friend that I share lots of intimate details with. We both have stories to tell each other every time. We are very sexual. Lately, my stories had been centered in just one guy…
She knows my past relationship and believes no boy is worthy of attention. Me, on the other hand, have tried and succeeded at being a player once I found myself newly single. The truth is, that’s not me. I truly enjoy new experiences but I rather have something secure and long lasting. I was born to commit to somebody fully. Now, that part of my life is missing. I don’t currently have anybody I can proudly call “mine”.
I have been hanging out with somebody. I’ve talked to her about him. She had advice me many times to not develop feelings. While talking to her last night, she mentioned I am dick cursed.
What… the… f?
She might have a point, but do I only like the way he makes me feel sexually?
I reflected on this very statement. When I met this guy, I felt strongly attracted to him immediately. It only took a small glance. Then we got into dancing and it was obvious we had some kind of connection. We exchanged contacts and we saw each other. The thing is that when I actually started knowing him, it was a different attraction. I started to admire him. He is smart, intellectual just perfect. I couldn’t find anything that I didn’t like about him. I knew I was in trouble then.
We hung out often for the first weeks… and I loved it. But I had to give him space. I needed some space too. I am the kind of girl that don’t want to bother people or be nosey. Unfortunately sometimes this makes it seem like I’m not interested. That’s not the case. I just believe each person has to have their own life even when they have a partner. I want to allow others to have their own interests. I don’t want to base my life on others. I’ve done this before and it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t expect others to do it for me either.
But if I like somebody, I want to know everything about them. That’s when I play with fire. I start knowing more and I become more interested. Because dealing with feelings is not my forte, I detach for a bit, just to hurt myself. I don’t say what I feel. I just sometimes write it after hours of thinking about it. Just like I’m doing right now. A simple comment made me think all day and night about what I feel. Am I really dick cursed or do I strongly like him?
I have to accept that the nights spent with him are amazing. Everything about it. But is not all about the sex, I like him. I can’t help it. Everytime I’m drunk, my subconscious talks about him. That is the worst sign of all. Well, right after meeting the most gorgeous guys in Vegas and not hooking up with them because there was no point. I already sorta had what I wanted. I do say that loosely, tho.
This guy and I really have nothing else but filling a human need. That’s what I can see on his part, at least. I am allowing myself to continue this no label thing because I’m dick cursed. Or is it because I just rather say that than accept I am actually falling for him? I want him to myself… until it last.