Maybe it’s me but I don’t believe I can find a serious relationship in a club or any kind of party. This is how I met the guy from my previous blog. But by talking to him I knew I would easily fall for him.
I like to study people. I read everything, looks, body language. I analyze the the way they construct sentences. I pay way too much attention to detail. This help me see how they are. I totally dissect their personality and figure out if there’s anything I don’t like about them. I usually find flaws that might be a problem for me later on and ones that I can deal with.
Not this time. And that scared me.
I know myself and this being the first time that I don’t find anything I don’t like about somebody made me feel like I’ve lost my power. Seriously, nothing bad? I can deal with everything he was? Urgh.
This is a very bad sign. It is virtually impossible that everything is perfect about this guy. I do not comprehend. I also can not understand why I was looking for something wrong. At this end, that’s just me.
I’m complicated. I have many interests. I know about a lot of topics. It is hard to challenge me intellectually. Unfortunately that is the one thing I love about a guy. If someone can teach me about topics I don’t know, I’m hooked. Knowing about everything has always been my thing. Yes, I used to be the know-it-all growing up. My family will call me out on it. Fast forward to this time, I’ve learned to scale back on that aspect but a guy that can talk about a brand new theme is very attractive to me. Not to brag about it, but I’m usually the one people admire. I need to admire others. Especially my partner. He is somebody I admire. Not only because he is knowledgeable. He reads. You must be thinking, “well Jae, a lot of people read” and I don’t debate this, but he reads ancient books. 100 years old books. Books about society dogmas. That is impressive. It blew my mind. That’s when I started liking him.
I knew I just met him. Contrary to ask about our lives or the typical questions, we talked about our interests…
Ok, technically yes, we talked abou t.f “normal” things. I guess I’m used to people have simple interests, not reading super old books or making choir music or being a Mason. Mason? What is that? A religion? I didn’t know! Until he explained it to me. Then we got into conversation about how old the belief is and all sort of other things. Information is what I like. I’m eager to learn, not only about him, but about all he believes in and is passionate about. Like leaning new languages. He opened this app and we were playing with it for a while, trying to see how much we know about other languages. He also took the time to teach me several fancy words in English language.
If I never have contact with him, these are the memories I’ll have from him. Even when our sexual encounters were absolutely amazing, maybe the best I’ve ever had, these things will come to mind before.
I decided to tell him I liked him too much. Whatever happens next… it’s up to him. I’ve decided to keep my distance because our relationship has been strictly sexual. We have not taken it out of the bedroom. I don’t want to get involved and make up a fairy tale in my mind without knowing there might be a possibility of something serious.
This sucks, big time. I know he could be the guy I want to be forever with, but there is no use on cultivating feelings that are not being reciprocated. Also, I can’t make anybody change their mind. I know I’m total awesomeness, but I’m sure not for everyone. Maybe not for him. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I am just not going to exposed myself too early and then get hurt.
By the way, it’s a really bad sign I’m writing about him. Oh gosh, I like him too much.