Last night was “Sex and the City” night out. This is when my girl friends and I get together for a date. We go to a nice restaurant for dinner and drinks and talk about our dating life. Last night people got Jcubed. 🤣 [3 girls: JaeMV + J1 + J2 = Jcubed]
J2 is actively dating a guy, and we get to hear and analyze everything. J1 and myself are still single. We are very opinionated but what makes us so great at Jcubing people is that all of us have totally different point of views of dating and life in general. We come from different backgrounds and our families are quite different. We ended up talking about this influence our views in dating and what we expect. We ended up Jcubing ourselves!
It started at the restaurant when we started analyzing our current “relationships” with people. I use this term loosely because I don’t really know what the hell I have or I don’t have, but surprisingly I’m not going crazy about trying to figure it out. I’ve realize that unlike J2, I am more reserved on the conversations I have with DLS. It is supposed to be a secret, right? I do talk about facts, I’m a story teller, of course, but divulge information only when asked specifically. J1 is also known to withhosald important information about her relationships, most of the time is because she doesn’t want us to Jcube her man… which we do regardless.
The girls analyzed my current status and encouraged me to see a therapist. I said I can Skype one. They laughed and said I always wanted to be impersonal… Truthfully, yes, plus I hate talking about my true emotions and how I feel. It would be so much better if I could text! Although I talk to My unicorn about it all the time. He is my on call therapist and he is blunt as fuck with me. He is also probably one of the only people I can easily open up to and I will never understand why. It’s like we are meant to be hard on each other.
I’ll have to accept it made me think of what I really want in a relationship or what I didn’t want. I could tell you I definitely did not want to be divorced. I got married for several reasons.
First and foremost, I wanted my parents to be proud of me doing things right. I was raised catholic and I believe in the institution of marriage. I believed it was going to last forever, that the person I married and I were going to work through our differences. That our promise would never be broken. That we won’t give up on “us”… Till death do us apart. Well, technically it can’t be dissolved, I’ll just have to live with the fact that I was part of breaking a promise I made before God. I’m sure He is disappointed… but I’ll be forgiven.
I realized, people are disposable. Expendable. Am I the only one that always try to maintain people in my life? The one that tries to fix everything broken? The engineer? The builder? Because that is what I was during my marriage. I am still figuring out things after almost two years being divorced.
Second, I thought I was in love. Now, 11 years or so later, I realized I should had paid attention to all the obvious signs and test God threw my way. From meeting someone and falling in love immediately with him when I was engaged, to almost calling off the wedding the day before. Or our 7 months “time to figure things out” phase that turned bad. I’ve should have known… But nah! I was too stubborn and too focused on having my future according to plan that I disregarded living the present. My “perfect” plan blew up on me 10 years later! I was holding on to what I expected my life to be.
Third, I need balance in my life. I need someone to balance me out. It seems too complicated to understand this one, but I need a bit of control in my life. I’ve had to learn self control and it has been hard. Really hard. Most of my changes have been through my job. I brought this up and I was asked on why I always end up mentioning my boss on his conversation. What J1 and J2 don’t understand is that my job requires me to scale back on some personal traits in order to
1. be more productive
2. manage my employees
3. deal with their personal problems without getting too involved
4. using psychology and emotional intelligence to solve problems or tasks
5. have the right mindset and attitude in order to influence people and increase their productivity, morale and loyalty to the company and myself
6. gain their respect, not because I’m their boss, but because I know what I’m doing, I’m available and I care.
My performance is solely evaluated on my capacity of managing a group and improving metrics. That directly is tied to my personality and how well I problem solve, plan and react to situations.
Right now, my job is the only think that balances me out. My boss, my coworkers are influencing me to change. They might not know this but they have helped a lot during this past year.
On a personal level, I have DLS to kinda balance me out. I am not trying to see anybody other than him. Unfortunately, it’s not enough balance like having a husband.
As the conversation with the girls progressed, it went to a dark, taboo area. Name calling. “Daddy” and “Papi” came up. Fact is, I won’t ever willingly call my partner either. J2’s reply, “No, because you don’t have daddy issues”, statement that made me think. I do not have daddy issues. I have the perfect parents. They are the perfect couple. They are so in love!
I want a guy like my dad and I want to be the perfect wife, like my mom. I want to have the perfect, most loving family, like mine.
That’s something I couldn’t have and I don’t know if it would ever happen.