We are nothing.

A 2 day shopping spree that left me with:

2 dresses

1 skirt

2 pairs of shoes

9 shirts and

3 swimsuits

that I never tried on. It made me think I know my body well enough to just impulsively grab things I like and know they will fit.

Sunday night I drove by a festival I wanted to go to, and just went in, all by myself. Last week I spent my day off organizing my room and created the infamous “Jæ’s sleepy time” playlist on Google Play, that includes the typical tracks to mend a broken heart. I also texted K-guy to see if he was available for dinner.

A conversation with a friend today and a visit to the nail salon made me think that whether or not I accept it, it’s hard when someone refers to your relationship with them as “being nothing”. It was said while drunk which does not mean the truth and being as smart as I am and proficient in topics such as psychology, it still bothers me. That’s the reason of my behavior. Needless to say I caught myself and accepted it after I had 2 slices of pizza… I AM ON A DAIRY FREE DIET, WTF?

Now I’m sitting in exactly the middle of the room typing this while listening to my “Sleepy time” music. Pa…the…tic…

Nada, Nothing… That’s strong. Right now, I feel I actually have something in the middle of my chest, and it’s tight. I have not felt like this in a long, long time. To think I’ve wasted months to be… nothing. Ha! to have this song playing right now, too funny.

What is this feeling?

Too bad I’m never going to ask him. He was drunk! And I’m never going to open up to him because I’m fucking stupid. He is my freaking kryptonite!!!!!!!!!

But we haven’t seen each other as usual. I guess we are done…

Looking at facts, we were always nothing. Maybe I was too nice and did care about him. I did things that he wouldn’t reciprocate. That was crystal clear.

Maybe I’ll just find someone to whom I mean a little more than nothing.

Now I shall record myself singing because that might be the only thing it makes me happy right now. Well, listening to how good I sound makes me happier.


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